I am working on getting back into reading and
meditation; I feel I have let some of the basics slip in the upheaval of the
past few months. So I am working on
adjusting my personal/mental label and considering myself to be a person who
lives in a pagan state of mind as opposed to trying at the moment to define every
aspect of my beliefs all on one word. I’m
not trying to sound pretentious, and I really hope that I don’t. I’m just loosening my grip a tiny bit; which
I think is a good thing. I feel this
will free me up to relax and let myself feel how much I believe or don’t believe. I love
my esbbat rituals, fall a little more hit and miss on the sabbats, and generally
find myself slacking when it comes to meditations. This year I plan to set the goal of
following each possible sabbat starting with Yule and we will see how it
goes.
Since I have been a tad over-stressed I want to
balance between taking a slower and more relaxed approach (as opposed to the
excited mad dash I was in) and keeping myself on a steady track
practice-wise.
To be honest, I was so excited about everything
that I allowed myself to stress out about things like “who needs to know”, “how
out do I need to be”, “am I doing this right or wrong” and in general that I
need to have all my personal answers now.
I became defensive from time to time (though I think I did a fairly good
job of keeping it in check) and overly worried about what the world would think
of me, feeling I needed to hide anything about myself that might tip people off.
People will have problems with me; that is
inevitable, and the sad thing is it’s mostly going to be problems of semantics. “I meditate…you pray…it’s magik…it’s a
miracle…the divine…God…” and so it goes on.
I could be content to boil it all down to yes I do believe there is a
power/energy/divinity (what have you) in this world that is bigger than myself
and I feel a connection to it in my own way.
I think that’s a pretty good starting place and how I choose to envision/communicate/honor
that divinity is personal to me. This isn’t groundbreaking stuff really…but I
think it might have been something I let myself overlook for a little while and
that began to drive me crazy. That’s my
fault; I’m new at this and figure I’m a
little entitled to step in a few puddles while I make my way down the path.
LOL
Basically, this shouldn’t be something that
stresses me out; it’s what makes me happy, so if it is stressing me out then I
am looking at it wrong. It’s not easy to
admit that I got confused and lost sight of a lot of things for a while but I
put this blog up to reach out and get answers and share my experience – and that
was part of it.