Adventures in Confusion

I am working on getting back into reading and meditation; I feel I have let some of the basics slip in the upheaval of the past few months.  So I am working on adjusting my personal/mental label and considering myself to be a person who lives in a pagan state of mind as opposed to trying at the moment to define every aspect of my beliefs all on one word.  I’m not trying to sound pretentious, and I really hope that I don’t.  I’m just loosening my grip a tiny bit; which I think is a good thing.  I feel this will free me up to relax and let myself feel how much I believe or don’t believe.   I love my esbbat rituals, fall a little more hit and miss on the sabbats, and generally find myself slacking when it comes to meditations.   This year I plan to set the goal of following each possible sabbat starting with Yule and we will see how it goes.  

Since I have been a tad over-stressed I want to balance between taking a slower and more relaxed approach (as opposed to the excited mad dash I was in) and keeping myself on a steady track practice-wise.  

To be honest, I was so excited about everything that I allowed myself to stress out about things like “who needs to know”, “how out do I need to be”, “am I doing this right or wrong” and in general that I need to have all my personal answers now.  I became defensive from time to time (though I think I did a fairly good job of keeping it in check) and overly worried about what the world would think of me, feeling I needed to hide anything about myself that might tip people off. 

People will have problems with me; that is inevitable, and the sad thing is it’s mostly going to be problems of semantics.  “I meditate…you pray…it’s magik…it’s a miracle…the divine…God…” and so it goes on.  I could be content to boil it all down to yes I do believe there is a power/energy/divinity (what have you) in this world that is bigger than myself and I feel a connection to it in my own way.   I think that’s a pretty good starting place and how I choose to envision/communicate/honor that divinity is personal to me.   This isn’t groundbreaking stuff really…but I think it might have been something I let myself overlook for a little while and that began to drive me crazy.   That’s my fault;  I’m new at this and figure I’m a little entitled to step in a few puddles while I make my way down the path. LOL 

Basically, this shouldn’t be something that stresses me out; it’s what makes me happy, so if it is stressing me out then I am looking at it wrong.  It’s not easy to admit that I got confused and lost sight of a lot of things for a while but I put this blog up to reach out and get answers and share my experience – and that was part of it.