Adventures in Confusion

I am working on getting back into reading and meditation; I feel I have let some of the basics slip in the upheaval of the past few months.  So I am working on adjusting my personal/mental label and considering myself to be a person who lives in a pagan state of mind as opposed to trying at the moment to define every aspect of my beliefs all on one word.  I’m not trying to sound pretentious, and I really hope that I don’t.  I’m just loosening my grip a tiny bit; which I think is a good thing.  I feel this will free me up to relax and let myself feel how much I believe or don’t believe.   I love my esbbat rituals, fall a little more hit and miss on the sabbats, and generally find myself slacking when it comes to meditations.   This year I plan to set the goal of following each possible sabbat starting with Yule and we will see how it goes.  

Since I have been a tad over-stressed I want to balance between taking a slower and more relaxed approach (as opposed to the excited mad dash I was in) and keeping myself on a steady track practice-wise.  

To be honest, I was so excited about everything that I allowed myself to stress out about things like “who needs to know”, “how out do I need to be”, “am I doing this right or wrong” and in general that I need to have all my personal answers now.  I became defensive from time to time (though I think I did a fairly good job of keeping it in check) and overly worried about what the world would think of me, feeling I needed to hide anything about myself that might tip people off. 

People will have problems with me; that is inevitable, and the sad thing is it’s mostly going to be problems of semantics.  “I meditate…you pray…it’s magik…it’s a miracle…the divine…God…” and so it goes on.  I could be content to boil it all down to yes I do believe there is a power/energy/divinity (what have you) in this world that is bigger than myself and I feel a connection to it in my own way.   I think that’s a pretty good starting place and how I choose to envision/communicate/honor that divinity is personal to me.   This isn’t groundbreaking stuff really…but I think it might have been something I let myself overlook for a little while and that began to drive me crazy.   That’s my fault;  I’m new at this and figure I’m a little entitled to step in a few puddles while I make my way down the path. LOL 

Basically, this shouldn’t be something that stresses me out; it’s what makes me happy, so if it is stressing me out then I am looking at it wrong.  It’s not easy to admit that I got confused and lost sight of a lot of things for a while but I put this blog up to reach out and get answers and share my experience – and that was part of it. 

A Brief...Not So Brief...Ridiculously Long Overview

My husband is christian, he is also very accepting of me and my religion.  He looks at is this way: what he believes is right for him, and as long as what I believe isn't dangerous he thinks it is fine for me.  He is satisfied that I believe in something that gives me hope and makes me want to be a better person.  When I first started reading about wicca, his immediate response was somewhat along the lines of "aren't you a bit old and mature for teenage rebellion".  The words wicca and paganism brought up for him, memories of the kids in his high school who said they were wiccan to "make their goth darker".  I explained the bare basics of wicca as described in the books I have read, and he realized his first thoughts on it were just stereotypes.  Another thing I have done with him, to help him understand what I am thinking, is I keep a small journal for him, I update it from time to time on where I am mentally and emotionally in my studies on my faith.  I told him where it is and that he is free to read it any time he likes,  I don't know if he has read it or not, but if nothing else I think the honesty and openness I am willing to share has helped him.  Currently, he seems pretty much 100% supportive of me. 

I was raised in holiness doctrine.  My father is a preacher, my mother is a teacher.  At this moment, they do not know I am studying the wiccan faith, I have struggled with if/when I should tell them.  I know what the words paganism, wicca, witchcraft, etc bring to mind for many people, especially those of the christian faith.  I also know my parents see it as their personal responsibility to make sure my soul goes to heaven.  I know when, if ever, I do tell them they will find a way to blame themselves for it.  I am stuck between, I do not want to lie to them (they haven't asked me anything about my beliefs), and I do not want to hurt them.  After stressing over this for months, and asking many people's opinions  I have decided to wait on making that decision: in the next 1 to 2 years my husband and I will be moving out of state, I am waiting until we are settled in a more permanent life situation to decide which is kinder  to do.  Until then, unless I get some huge epiphany, I will just be myself with them and do my best to be a good daughter to them.

I have many friends all over the country and many of them know about my beliefs, a few of them share it, a vast majority of them accept it, and the rest of them tolerate it. The difference between accept and tolerate goes something like this: those who accept it, don't share my faith but they see it as a positive influence in my life, or respect my choice.  Those who tolerate it, disagree with me, are worried for me, but love me enough to know they cannot change me by force.

I'm not going to say much about my job; I work hard and I am well liked, but I am fairly sure that if my co-workers knew that would change. In fact, from things I have heard said, I am pretty sure I would end up fired for "unrelated" reasons.  It gives me lots of practice at speaking little and listening much.

Kentucky. My old Kentucky home, the land that I love so much.  As far as I can gather, is not a safe place for me to be an open wiccan.  I have a real fear of what could happen if the wrong person knows and decides to modernize the dark ages.  That's one reason for this blog, for others who live in areas that don't feel safe for us.  One moment I feel like, it's 2011, wicca is a government recognized religion, surely I can be out and be just fine; and then I listen to the conversations around me and realize, maybe times never really change that much.