*Insert Dramatic Music Here*

I have moved to a new state; I’m not living in my own home yet.  I haven’t been able to practice and I no longer live close to the friend I was studying with.  I haven’t given up.  I just haven’t had anything to blog about.  Out of respect for the people letting us stay with them I have my books and tools packed away for the time being.  I still meditate but I miss my study and my ritual. 

Advice to anyone thinking of getting into paganism: when you start, if it’s the thing for you, it will feel very fulfilling and exciting and you will want to let people know.   You’ll want to identify yourself as pagan or wiccan or what have you, to the people you care about.   Be very careful who you choose to tell.  It was fine when the people I told were there for the whole thing; they had their worries and concerns but there was a boundary to it.   Here it is different; so when you tell people, be ready to be ‘the pagan friend’ be ready for them not to realize it’s a personal and private thing. 

Because I don’t have my own home at the moment, my things are packed away.  Because it’s more private now, because I feel a little more isolated for the moment, the friends up here that know (I told them at the beginning when I first started) have decided I’m not dedicated and that it’s a phase.   At this point I’m inclined to let them think that because I have come to regret them knowing.   Out of the four that know: one of them wants to make money off me with tarot readings and helping her to sell ‘witch stuff’ to people when she sells jewelry, one of them teases me and tells me I’m as much a ‘pagan’ as most people are ‘christian’, and two of them seem intent on finding out what went wrong with me to make me so confused and wonder why I am trying to get back at god.   I was told “If you just keep at it with Christianity you will eventually feel something, and if not, then you still have the support of the church community.”   No one has been truly mean to me, so that is not the complaint, they are all nice and the topic has dropped lately so it’s not something I hear all the time anymore.  

My husband remains extremely supportive; he often suggests that I pull out my books and that it will be ok.  We are both working hard to get into our own place and have found good jobs; now we just have to chip away at the money we owe and we should have a place by the end of next month. 

I haven’t been posting because there hasn’t been much to talk about.  As usual my separation is in many ways my own fault.  I have people’s numbers that I could call and talk to.  I have websites I could use to find stores and groups in the new area.  I just feel like I am on hold and I’m not sure what my next step should be. 

So that’s where it stands.  I may resume posting once we’ve gotten settled into a place of our own. 

Greater Than? Or Equal To?

I have recently (past month or no updates) had a couple experiences at work.  Mostly with one co-worker in particular.  James is an older man who after a life of self-described wild ramblings and cuttings-up, has found his answers in the bible.  Which is fine and wonderful for him, it seems to have brought him a lot of peace and stability to his life.  In general he is a friendly, good-hearted guy, and we've always (and still do) get along.  

In the past month he seems to have taken a specific interest in who believes what.  Which led him to me.  It started with him asking out of the blue one day, "Are you a religious person? Because I can tell by the way you behave and the way you treat people that you probably are or at least were raised in it."  

I told him I was religious 'in a way' but I don't go to church anymore.  I told him a few things about the way I was raised, but made sure to add that I know plenty of people that weren't raised in church that are good and I didn't believe you had to read the bible in order to have morals.  

Ever since then, he has taken to suddenly not knowing what certain words in his bible are or what they mean; which leads him to ask me "what's this word here?" and pass me the bible.  Which, I'm not complaining, I don't mind and who knows maybe he doesn't know the word (there are a lot of complicated/rarely used words in the kj version).  But come on, I know what's really going on there.  And again, I don't really mind it, it's just something I have noticed.  

 So the real point of this is, it's obvious this man cares about me (and my soul) in a platonic "hey you're a good pal and I'd hate to see you burn in hell" kind of way.  As I said he is a nice guy with the best of intentions; but I have heard him speak at length about "people who take and do the wrong thing"  and there is quite a list of these people...

I am one of those people (on more counts that just wicca) and I can't help but wonder how quickly this friendly little game of getting me to read the bible would change if I just up and said, "so when I said I was sort of religious, I am actually very religious, I'm just not in the same religion as you."  It's not something I am likely to find out anytime soon.  It's just something I can't help but think about.  

Also, one of the girls at work lost her bible, and it occurred to me "well duh, how many of those do I have at home" which lead me to remember, "oh yeah, one, I left all the others at my parents house..."  So I brought her my bible so she wouldn't have to shell out who-knows how much the bookstores charge for one these days.  So I am pretty sure this random act of kindness/recycling has single-handedly assured everyone at work that James has me well on the path back to church...

 So no, it wasn't my intention to fool him into leaving me alone (in fact I think this will probably lead to even more "bible time") I just wanted to do something nice for someone at work who's had a lot happen to her in the past few months.

The Little Post About Little Things

I find myself getting easily frustrated over the little things.  Tiny stuff like the fact that I can't take my books to work with me and read them on my breaks; and yet 3 people at my job pull out there bibles every break to compare notes or point out something they found interesting in their reading (like do dragon's exist? they are mentioned in the bible).  I don't begrudge them that, I even enjoy listening to them debate...sometimes...  It's just the simple fact that I in turn cannot sit quietly in a corner and read a book about wicca.  Technically I can; but logically I can't because I need my job.  Small issues like feeling like I have to watch everything I say so carefully or I might just sound like the person I am becoming. 

But today I woke up early enough to see the sun rise, and then I decided to take a walk.  On this walk I came across two fawns.  When things like this happen, when I see something no one else sees, experience something in a way I know is uniquely mine; I don't feel so frustrated by the little things, because I have my own small wonders to enjoy.   It's not even about forgetting the little things and looking at the big picture, it's about recognizing my own tiny privileges. 

This is the situation I am in, and it's not one I will be in forever.  So, as usual, I have to remind myself to be patient. 

Lovely Litha Everyone

(Yes, on my walk I passed a cemetery and that is where I saw them, it wasn't exactly part of the plan.)

Telling Mama-K

Since my husbands siblings come down for 2 weeks out of the summer, and because my altar and book collection is growing.  I felt I needed to have a discussion with his mother (who I love very much) about wicca before they come down.   I am not afraid of her knowing, she is pretty open minded, all around great lady; I feel like she should have a choice in how much her kids are exposed to.  I don't mind putting all my supplies inside my alter while they are here, I already keep my books in a closed bookshelf, and I do my rituals and meditation alone.  It's just that since they are teens, I didn't want them running back home talking about it and her to suddenly think that I am trying to teach them how to be wiccan. 

It was important to me to do this in person and not over the phone. So yesterday while we were up visiting, I got a chance to take her aside with my husband and talk about it.  Here is one piece of advice I will give anyone thinking of telling friends and family members that they are now pagan.  Be prepared to here this question for everyone, even the most open minded of people, "huh...why did you decide to do that?"  

That question takes me back every time I hear it, because the obvious answers is, "Because it's what I believe in..."  

For the most part it went very well; she doesn't want the kids to know at all yet, they are both teens, so that is not a problem.  My husband will just have to take them out somewhere while I do ritual if they happen to be here on a sabbat or esbat. 

The only thing she said that really rubbed me the wrong way was, "no no, that's fine, I it's ok if that's what you believe.  But you can't do magik, that just opens you up to bad stuff, so just don't do magik and we are fine."  See, I don't like being limited, or told how much of my religion I can believe in or participate in.   I just don't feel this is an issue I need to argue with her about since to be honest, I'm not very interested in doing any big magik.  Basically what I explained to her was, my personal rule is that I don't do anything magikal that I can't accomplish on my own.   I don't do anything that would require me to ask something else for help, or for a favor of some kind.  I can do divination, I can cleanse items, I can charge items, and there are small magik things I could do; I just won't be asking any deities for something huge. Not that doing magik is something I am even sure I am interested in for sure; sometimes I just feel the need to draw my boundaries before someone else draws them for me.

Anyway, long story not quite short, the talk with her went well.  I was nervous about it, but it turned out good.  And in time, when she has had more chances to ask questions, I think it will be a very good thing. 

Bette: Sports, Spells, And Superstition

Oddly enough, the first person who has asked me to do anything remotely spell-involving, is Bette. I am not at the point of actually practicing magik, I mostly do tarot and other divination. 

She was talking about how she had a shirt that she couldn't wear because when she wears it (or even takes it out of the closet) her sports team looses.  "It's total bad luck, and I am afraid to even give it away because it's bad luck."  So I jokingly said that I could cleanse it.  She got a lot more excited about it than I thought she would.  I also found out why it was bad luck to start with, from the moment she bought it she was already thinking 'this one won't be as good as my old one'. 

So the first cleansing I have ever done for anyone goes to Bette.  To cleanse the negative energies she has put into the shirt by deciding it was bad luck. 

Now the tricky part is, I can cleanse the shirt, bring it to neutral again (because I'm not putting any actual spell on it) but if she takes it back thinking "oh look, my bad luck shirt that isn't as good as my old one" then it won't matter at all.  So before I even put the energy into doing this I have to know that she believes it will be the best most fantastic shirt the world has ever known when she get's it back from me.  Which she has promised to try to do... 

So now I have brought the shirt back to neutral and feel sure that it has no residual negativity left on it.  All there is to do now is get it back to Bette, the rest is up to her.

Luna's New Blog

My neighbor Luna has started a blog as well, the link is http://the-luna-chronicles.blogspot.com so if you are enjoying this blog go give hers a look as well.  Since we have different takes on some things, and we have slightly different writing styles, there may be things there that you agree closer with, or just find described in a way that makes more sense to you.
Just wanted to welcome her to the blogspot community. Welcome Luna & http://the-luna-chronicles.blogspot.com

Mia: Temptation At Work

There has only been one time so far that I have been tempted to talk about my beliefs at work, and I still wonder if I made the right choice at the time.  For the most part I think I did.  Mia has been a very good friend to me at work.  She is easy to talk to, she is one of those women that put people at ease, you rarely feel judged around her.  One day while working with her we were alone and I was under a lot of stress from old emotional wounds.  I was telling her about where I grew up and the culture shock when I first left.  Like always I was watching what I said about religion (I find that in any professional or somewhat formal setting, religion and politics should just be avoided) and out of nowhere Mia asked, "Do you know anything about wicca or witchcraft?"  luckily we were both busy working so I don't think she noticed the pause while I collected my thoughts.  I told her that I knew what it was, that I had read a book about it because I knew some people who lived out of state that were.  That was all I said on the subject, I think it's the only question she has ever asked me that I didn't flat out give the full truth on.  She said "Yeah, I have some friends who are too. I just didn't know if you had ever heard of it because of how you were raised."  and quickly added, "I don't think there's anything wrong with it, they aren't dangerous or anything."  

The rest of the day, and sometimes even now, I wonder what that little conversation was about and what it meant.  Of course at first all I could think was, I must have said something, or maybe she saw something (like since I don't wear a pentagram/pentacle, but I carry a coin with one in a small coin-purse).   So at first it made me worried.  As time went by I have wondered if it's possible that she was reaching out to me; that maybe she is wiccan and was testing the waters to see if I was.  I wonder if I missed a chance for someone here that has more experience and knowledge about it.  But there is no way to be 100% sure.  Odds are, she had just recently talked to those friends she was talking about and it was fresh in her mind.  At any rate, I still wonder should I have just flat out told her?  Honestly, I don't think she would tell anyone else, especially if I asked her not to.  But at this point in my life, there is this line between my life and my work life, work is so hard to find and I can't afford to loose this job, and rumors fly around so fast you never know who knows what.  I just don't feel comfortable blurring that line just yet.  

 

I still enjoy talking to her, I still seek her out for advise on other things in my life.  It's just one of those things, a lot can be said in so few words, a lot can be said in actions.  At that moment I didn't know the best thing to do so I went for the safest, and in the end I think when it doubt that is the best choice. 

Friends & Tarot

I've done readings on many of my friends.  Adrian has been my tarot test subject, especially when I first started out, he has a friend (who I haven't met) that is very good with tarot and knows it is important to practice, practice, practice.  He was also able to pass on advice from his friend to help me as I got started.   Other than Adrain, I have done a few readings for my husband (though I was worried about doing readings on him because it can be difficult to get a reading on anyone your life is so tied up with) and last New Years I offered anyone who wanted a "year-ahead" reading if they wanted it.  Bette was the first to volunteer and a few others at her party got one as well.  It was really good to get some experience reading on people I don't see all the time or know as well.  I also have tried some 'distance' readings, on some of my friends who live farther away (but I always ask them before I attempt a reading on them, I feel that's only fair, I don't want to do anything they would not be comfortable with).  

Once I got comfortable with tarot, I'm ashamed to say I slacked off on it a little.  So now I am trying to do readings at least 2 to 3 times per week to continue to sharpen my grasp on it. 

My Brother & The Book

My brother got me the The Wicca Cook Book last christmas.  Even though Luna had given me wicca stuff, and my husband had bought me my first set of tarot cards; this gift affected me in a different way.  Mostly because, my brother, doesn't seem to have an opinion one way or the other about what I believe.  He studied lots of religions, trying many of them out, until he decided that organized religion doesn't work for him.  This includes wicca, though he never practiced it, I'm not even sure if it's one that he even read about.  I had pretty much assumed that he probably thought I was silly, and waiting for me to say "well you're right, atheism it is then".  Until he gave me this gift.  It came out of the blue, and even though he and I don't talk about religion, it really made me realize that he sees what I am doing as serious to me. 

He confessed later that he saw it in a bookstore and thought maybe it was a beginners spell book of some kind, and before wrapping it realized it was an actual cookbook.  He said, "At first I was thought, I wanted to get her more than just a cookbook, but then I thought...ehe she eats food and stuff."  


The Wicca Cookbook: Recipes, Ritual, and Lore by Jamie Martinez Wood

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I enjoy this book, in addition to recipes it has information about the Sabbats.  What makes it more than just a cookbook is the additional information that goes with the recipes; instead of being set up like most cookbooks(appetizers, deserts, etc...)it is set up in order of the Sabbat the recipe is associated with. Most of the recipes seem simple to make.  It's an enjoyable cookbook.

A similar experience came at New Years when my friend Bette gave me a book she happened to see in a store. It's a coffee table book, a compilation of witch lore and history pieced together in an artistic manner.
Witches: A Book of Magic and Wisdom by Lori Eisenkraft-Palazzola

These experiences were important to me because they both came from people who accept me as a wiccan, don't really show an interest in it, and I imagined thought I was being naive in my studies and beliefs.   These experiences showed me never to underestimate the power in small gestures; to them it was a small act, they saw a book they thought I might like and got it for me.  Those small acts, gave me the feeling of being not only accepted, but taken seriously.  

Luna: Neighbor & Cohort

Luna is one of the people who has helped me a lot, it's really comforting to have someone so close by who is also in the process of learning.  I won't say we study together, we share information and talk a lot about what we are reading and trying.  We started reading about wicca for mostly the same reasons, and had a lot of the same reasons for why we hadn't considered learning more about it before.  The tricky part is that one of the things that drew us to wicca after the first book was while there are some guidelines, there is so much personalization to how you practice and experience wicca.  Because of this, we both try very hard not to influence each other too much.

An example of this is in the wiccan names.  I found my name fairly quickly, but Luna and I have decided not to share our names until we had both decided on them.  We both agreed that we didn't want to influence each others choice that way; we think it would be too much of a temptation to change around because we had some elements too alike or too different. 

Also, and I envy her for this, Luna is a much better researcher than I am, don't get me wrong I learn a lot from the books I read and I'm a quick reader; but I learn so much better when I am physically involved in something.  Luna can research something and have a better idea of how it would go for her, whereas I have to trial test the things I'm reading about to see how suited I am to it.  It's not that one way is better than the other, we just have a different learning and practicing style.  We also didn't want to study in such a way that would make on or the other feel rushed.

When she finds a good book she lets me borrow it and I do the same, we take shopping trips together (mostly through antique stores) and keep an eye out for things we think each other might like when we are shopping alone.  For my birthday last year Luna got me a miniature wind-chime that I use as a bell since it's hung above my altar, and this year we were in an antique shop when she found a bell, and I bought it for her as a gift.

It's nice to have someone to give and take with in this way.   It's been hard lately because she got a new job and our hours have been off.  She works an early shift, and I am on a late shift.  She's probably reading this...so she can add to or correct as she pleases.

A Brief...Not So Brief...Ridiculously Long Overview

My husband is christian, he is also very accepting of me and my religion.  He looks at is this way: what he believes is right for him, and as long as what I believe isn't dangerous he thinks it is fine for me.  He is satisfied that I believe in something that gives me hope and makes me want to be a better person.  When I first started reading about wicca, his immediate response was somewhat along the lines of "aren't you a bit old and mature for teenage rebellion".  The words wicca and paganism brought up for him, memories of the kids in his high school who said they were wiccan to "make their goth darker".  I explained the bare basics of wicca as described in the books I have read, and he realized his first thoughts on it were just stereotypes.  Another thing I have done with him, to help him understand what I am thinking, is I keep a small journal for him, I update it from time to time on where I am mentally and emotionally in my studies on my faith.  I told him where it is and that he is free to read it any time he likes,  I don't know if he has read it or not, but if nothing else I think the honesty and openness I am willing to share has helped him.  Currently, he seems pretty much 100% supportive of me. 

I was raised in holiness doctrine.  My father is a preacher, my mother is a teacher.  At this moment, they do not know I am studying the wiccan faith, I have struggled with if/when I should tell them.  I know what the words paganism, wicca, witchcraft, etc bring to mind for many people, especially those of the christian faith.  I also know my parents see it as their personal responsibility to make sure my soul goes to heaven.  I know when, if ever, I do tell them they will find a way to blame themselves for it.  I am stuck between, I do not want to lie to them (they haven't asked me anything about my beliefs), and I do not want to hurt them.  After stressing over this for months, and asking many people's opinions  I have decided to wait on making that decision: in the next 1 to 2 years my husband and I will be moving out of state, I am waiting until we are settled in a more permanent life situation to decide which is kinder  to do.  Until then, unless I get some huge epiphany, I will just be myself with them and do my best to be a good daughter to them.

I have many friends all over the country and many of them know about my beliefs, a few of them share it, a vast majority of them accept it, and the rest of them tolerate it. The difference between accept and tolerate goes something like this: those who accept it, don't share my faith but they see it as a positive influence in my life, or respect my choice.  Those who tolerate it, disagree with me, are worried for me, but love me enough to know they cannot change me by force.

I'm not going to say much about my job; I work hard and I am well liked, but I am fairly sure that if my co-workers knew that would change. In fact, from things I have heard said, I am pretty sure I would end up fired for "unrelated" reasons.  It gives me lots of practice at speaking little and listening much.

Kentucky. My old Kentucky home, the land that I love so much.  As far as I can gather, is not a safe place for me to be an open wiccan.  I have a real fear of what could happen if the wrong person knows and decides to modernize the dark ages.  That's one reason for this blog, for others who live in areas that don't feel safe for us.  One moment I feel like, it's 2011, wicca is a government recognized religion, surely I can be out and be just fine; and then I listen to the conversations around me and realize, maybe times never really change that much.