About Being Lonely

I've been thinking, and I realize I don't really have good reason to go on about it being lonely.  I am in an area that's not open to alternate religions; but on the other hand I do have my husband's support, Luna and Cara next door, Adrian down the street (for now, until he moves), as well as Willow out of state just a phone call away.   My life is busy and sometimes our schedules don't sync up just right, but I wouldn't do anything if I was going to stay hung up on the excuses not to.  So this is my personal 'shake myself awake' post saying, if I'm feeling lonely or disconnected from other people then I should move my feet or pick up a phone and do something about it.   

This blog itself tells me this, I post about how this friend has inspired me or how much talking with that one helped.  And it occurred to me, someone reading this might be in a much more isolated situation than I am.  

I think what sent me on the spiral was that I had planned to go visit Willow on vacation in May, then my work schedule and finances didn't match up.  In the end, I really hope, this blog has been a good thing that never would have occurred if I hadn't been feeling down.  So, just life in motion I guess. 

 Wishing everyone a happy Beltane.

Nina Part 2: Magic is not Magik

My husband plays

 

(I play a little too but it's really not my favorite of games.)   Nina's husband Saul was looking for a game to get into and a new store has opened in our town that sells Magic cards.  So my husband was teaching him how to play. 

Saul went home a few nights ago and told Nina that my husband was showing him Magic and she freaked out a little.  My husband explained what it is to her, pretty much like playing a video game with cards.   

A few days later we were hanging out at Nina and Saul's and they decided to play.  Nina began to have a lot of questions again, but she kept directing the questions at me (I wasn't playing).  So again I kept saying "no it's a card game, it's just a game, no it has nothing to do with real magik".  She would smile and say ok. And then a few minutes latter would have a new question.

"You know how Ouija boards are just games, is it something like that?" or "so for real it's not anything but a game?" and so on. Or "Is it like those cards you use to tell the future?"

It really kind of hurt me, I stayed as patient as I could, but I was really close to asking them for a hand full of cards so she could see how ridiculous it was to think these creatures were being summoned from another plane of existence.  She didn't want to get close to the table they were playing at so I wasn't sure if she would even let me show her what the cards were.  

A few days latter and we are still clearing it up and explaining it to her.  It really strikes me that, if Saul was learning the game from anyone else who wasn't associated with me, or if my hubby had started showing him the game a year or two ago she wouldn't have a question in the world about it.  She keeps making a point to say "I think it's so great that we can love and trust each other even though we don't have the same faith" but that's not the way she is making me feel.  I am trying to keep a sense of humor about it; hence this post.

To be clear. Nina's opinion wouldn't matter to me if I didn't think she was sweet, wonderful, kind, and smart woman. So that's not what this post is about; it's not about 'oh look how silly this person is, she must be really dumb' that's not what I'm saying. She is just having a harder time than most letting go of fears that, let's face it, are pretty much supported by society in general (at least here in the bible belt).  I laugh and poke fun at it because that helps me deal with the situation beyond 'wow it really hurts me that she would think these things'.  

Back to business, with the whole Magic misunderstanding on it's way to being cleared up and put aside. I must find a way to introduce Nina & Saul to the mystical, diabolical game...of Uno.

Adrian: I Can't Think Of A Catchy Title For This One

Not long after I started reading about wicca, I started spending more time talking to Adrian, before we had hung out a lot but not really talked as much.  I had just started trying meditation (something I am still not great at) and I remembered him saying something about his meditation.  So I asked him if he had any tips.  That's when I found out that he had studied wicca before but wasn't anymore, he still remembered some things from it.  He has become one of my friends that I can openly talk about what I'm struggling with or where I am at religion-wise.   

Adrian is the one that gave me a lot of help (and by that, I mean listened to me stress out incessantly) with the issue of how much if any, to tell my parents.  When I first asked him what he thought, he said, "family is everything, do what you think is best for them".  And while that didn't answer my question right away, it did get me thinking on the pro's and con's of this decision.  I'm not worried about them disowning me, I know they love me, I'm just not sure they like me.  I had to decided if the pro's to telling them were going to benefit them or just me.  Likewise I had to think about if the con's were just something I was hiding behind to avoid conflict. 

He listened to me agonize over this decision for a good 4 months.  (That's not to downplay other people's help and support, but you have to give credit where credit is due.)  In the end, my decision came from a compilation of his advice to do what would be best for them; and others advice that it was up to me, it was my business what I believe, and it all depends on how much them knowing/not knowing meant to me.  He was also the one that reminded me that, if I decided not to tell them just yet it didn't mean I could never tell them if the time felt right.

Aside from that specific situational, he has also shared with me what he remembers from when he studied, some of his experiences from that time, and keeps an eye out for resources I might find useful. 

Nina: Alternate Reality Check

When I first started telling my friends, I was very nervous.  But in time I got used to people accepting it without really changing their opinions of me.  I told Nina, asked her if she would still be my friend, and told her any questions she had I would answer.  Her first answer she was fine, she would love me no matter what I was.  About 2 weeks later she came back with the following questions: 

1. Does this mean you don't believe in god?
2. Do you like me less because I am christian and you are not?  
3. Do you curse people? I mean if I get you mad will you make something bad happen to me?
4. Do you do sacrifices and stuff with blood?  
5. Will you be doing drugs and having orgies and stuff?  


These questions came about because she had talked to some people at her church and asked them if they knew anything about wicca.  The answer she got was, "I don't know anything about wicca, I haven't heard about it before or anything, but if it's not christianity you should be worried."  And so she worried.

Before I put out my answers to the questions asked, I want to explain my friendship with Nina.  I had known her for 7 years at this point, and it was one of those friendships where we talk about anything right off the top of our heads.  We are very much like sisters, she lives downstairs from me and we see each other all the time, she gets upset if we don't see each other for more than 2 days on end.  So I only expected one or two of these questions, the rest were a complete shock to me, luckily it didn't sink in that I could be offended until a few hours after I had answered her.

Now for the answers:

1. It's not that I don't believe, I believe in a different way, I experience it differently and view it differently.  
2. No. I am happy you have faith in something that makes you happy, that's all that matters to me, you have something that gives you hope and keeps you out of trouble.  Just because I believe something is right for me doesn't mean I think it's what everyone needs to be right.  
3. No, I don't actually practice magik right now and if I did, I would not be cursing anyone.  One, you know me, I am not hateful like that, and two, like most things in life it comes back to haunt you or bite you in the ass.  
4. No, no no no, and no.  I do not kill things, I do not mess with blood.  There are offerings of bread and drink, but nothing like offering a life.  
5. No, I won't be doing anything like that, I have no desire to take drugs and throw myself around.  I don't think that is how I will find peace or enlightenment.   

After I answered her she calmed down a lot.   

A little later  it sunk in that if Nina, knowing me for so long and so well, could be blindsided by these thoughts and concerns.  What might a complete stranger automatically assume of me?  I talked to Nina and her husband and told them, "If you are worried about me and want to pray for me that's fine, I'm not offended.  If you want your church and other groups to pray for me that is fine too, but please don't give them my name or where I live.  It's a safety issue."  They agreed to that, their church is praying for Nina's friend and that doesn't bother me, prayer can be a very good thing. 
But this got Nina worried because she couldn't remember if she had said my name already, I told her not to worry over it, so she recited about everything she had said to anyone about it (because now she had it stuck in her head that she was going to get me killed no matter how much I told her it wasn't a problem and they probably didn't remember my name from one light mention) and one thing stuck out to me, she said, "I think I've been a very good christian, because I am being loving and not judgmental of my friend who is in a religion that is obviously wrong, but I am just being loving to her and hoping that can show her my good example".   Now on the face of it, it sounds very condescending.  But, bear in mind, this is the best I can expect from most people of other religions; I was raised in christianity and I know they are taught that their way is the one and only way, that if they love someone they will do everything in their power to ensure that they come back to their way.  That is their religion, that is what we have to understand, there was no room made in their religion to accept other faiths.  True, I talked about my husband and he looks at it differently, but in general this is what you have.  I have to accept and realize the huge step it takes for a christian (or people of othe like faiths) to be willing to tolerate and love me, because they won't like my faith, but the huge step for them to see it as my choice and hold themselves back no matter how much they want to 'save' me, is something I am learning to respect.  

Now, for my own confession, after they left the 'more holy than thou' had sunk in on me so I repeated it to my husband, and followed with, "I would like to just say, I think I am being a very good wiccan for being so calm and nice and not pointing out that she was being condescending".  So yeah that doesn't put me in the best light either, this was before my lesson from this experience kicked in, also, I deflect a lot with sarcasm and humor, so that was actually said in a very pompous accent and followed by laughter.  

DJ: The One I Lost

I'll preference this with, she was just and acquaintance, I didn't see her often but we did always get along and have fun together.   Last winter while checking my FB, I found DJ screaming her online lungs out about christmas being only for christians and if people weren't going to believe in jesus then they had no right to celebrate christmas.   Lots of people had jumped in to agree or disagree with her, which had escalated it to the point I came in on, "if you don't believe that jesus is the on true savior then fuck off, christmas isn't for you, so if you don't love HIM then go to hell and stop stealing our holiday", and I got the bright idea that I would reason with her.  I didn't say I was wiccan, or that I would be celebrating yule, I just said that there were a lot of holidays for other religions around this time of year, but just that in society most people call it christmas.  Of course this made her mad and I tried to lighten it up with, "well can I celebrate happy winter day, time, thing..." which made her madder.  In the end I promised I wouldn't use the sacred word of christmas, ever again but hoped she had a very lovely and joyous 25th.  She un-friended me and doesn't speak to me or my husband (online or out in the real world) anymore. 
What I took from this was;
1. don't argue online, it's always a shouting match,
2. don't try to reason with someone who is on a fire and brimstone rant, they aren't in the state of mind to look at the other side,
3. yes my beliefs could lose me some friends, and
4. pick your battles, there was no real reason for me to have gotten involved in the first place. 



On the bright side, another friend of mine posted a video on the same day.

Clothing Idea

I enjoy sewing, so I am making my own ritual clothing, which can be time consuming.  It occurred to me that if I didn't already wear scrubs for work, scrubs would make very good ritual garb.   They are easy to find in natural fibers, come in all kinds of styles and colors, stain resistant, and comfortable.  Well, like I said I can sew and I wear scrubs at work, so this option doesn't work for me.  But I thought maybe it would be good to put it up as a suggestion. 

I know a lot of wiccans don't like store bought clothes, or clothing that is mass manufactured.  I believe that street clothes can be worn (especially if that's all you are able to afford, or aren't able to make your own).  Plus it's easy enough to add things to any clothing you buy, sewing in symbols or adding on charms.  Anything I use, I try to add a personal touch of some kind. 

I know for a lot of wiccans this in useless information, since many work skyclad.  But if you are doing anything outside you may find yourself needing some cover.  And if you are like me, I already have two subconscious things that are going to take place if I am naked, I concentrate better in a specific outfit or type of clothing that lets me know on a subconscious level that I am in ritual.  That's just the way I practice, I'm not ashamed of myself (a little self conscious  maybe but since I work solitary that doesn't really factor into it) and if working in the nude is what works for you then more power to it. 

The First Book

The first book on wicca I read, I read with the intent of getting the absolute basics so I would know what my friends believed.  I didn't want to end up saying or doing something that would offend them, or make a nuisance of myself by asking them questions they had probably answered hundreds of times from other people.  So it wasn't in my mind to find a book that had every theoretical nuance of wicca.  So the book I got was:

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wicca and Witchcraft by Denise Zimmermann


Say what you will about it; franchised, water down, fluffy, etc...  It was at least helpful on the basics, and as the title suggests, it was easy to understand.  It has some basic logical information; safety tips, common themes, and some very good advice "read more books on wicca".  Reviews I have seen on it seem to hit about 50-50 with wiccans hating/liking it.  I'll put it this way, if that was the book a friend of mine picked up just to understand what I believe, I would be ok with that because it is simple and complimentary.  It's in no way the end all be all book, I don't think any book is.  Maybe I just like this book because it was the first little stepping stone for me.  

There was only one downside to reading this book, all those questions I didn't want to bug Willow with.  Now I wanted to learn more, and to learn more, I had to start bugging him with questions.  Luckily, he doesn't seem mind. And I'm very grateful.

My Brother & The Book

My brother got me the The Wicca Cook Book last christmas.  Even though Luna had given me wicca stuff, and my husband had bought me my first set of tarot cards; this gift affected me in a different way.  Mostly because, my brother, doesn't seem to have an opinion one way or the other about what I believe.  He studied lots of religions, trying many of them out, until he decided that organized religion doesn't work for him.  This includes wicca, though he never practiced it, I'm not even sure if it's one that he even read about.  I had pretty much assumed that he probably thought I was silly, and waiting for me to say "well you're right, atheism it is then".  Until he gave me this gift.  It came out of the blue, and even though he and I don't talk about religion, it really made me realize that he sees what I am doing as serious to me. 

He confessed later that he saw it in a bookstore and thought maybe it was a beginners spell book of some kind, and before wrapping it realized it was an actual cookbook.  He said, "At first I was thought, I wanted to get her more than just a cookbook, but then I thought...ehe she eats food and stuff."  


The Wicca Cookbook: Recipes, Ritual, and Lore by Jamie Martinez Wood

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I enjoy this book, in addition to recipes it has information about the Sabbats.  What makes it more than just a cookbook is the additional information that goes with the recipes; instead of being set up like most cookbooks(appetizers, deserts, etc...)it is set up in order of the Sabbat the recipe is associated with. Most of the recipes seem simple to make.  It's an enjoyable cookbook.

A similar experience came at New Years when my friend Bette gave me a book she happened to see in a store. It's a coffee table book, a compilation of witch lore and history pieced together in an artistic manner.
Witches: A Book of Magic and Wisdom by Lori Eisenkraft-Palazzola

These experiences were important to me because they both came from people who accept me as a wiccan, don't really show an interest in it, and I imagined thought I was being naive in my studies and beliefs.   These experiences showed me never to underestimate the power in small gestures; to them it was a small act, they saw a book they thought I might like and got it for me.  Those small acts, gave me the feeling of being not only accepted, but taken seriously.  

Luna: Neighbor & Cohort

Luna is one of the people who has helped me a lot, it's really comforting to have someone so close by who is also in the process of learning.  I won't say we study together, we share information and talk a lot about what we are reading and trying.  We started reading about wicca for mostly the same reasons, and had a lot of the same reasons for why we hadn't considered learning more about it before.  The tricky part is that one of the things that drew us to wicca after the first book was while there are some guidelines, there is so much personalization to how you practice and experience wicca.  Because of this, we both try very hard not to influence each other too much.

An example of this is in the wiccan names.  I found my name fairly quickly, but Luna and I have decided not to share our names until we had both decided on them.  We both agreed that we didn't want to influence each others choice that way; we think it would be too much of a temptation to change around because we had some elements too alike or too different. 

Also, and I envy her for this, Luna is a much better researcher than I am, don't get me wrong I learn a lot from the books I read and I'm a quick reader; but I learn so much better when I am physically involved in something.  Luna can research something and have a better idea of how it would go for her, whereas I have to trial test the things I'm reading about to see how suited I am to it.  It's not that one way is better than the other, we just have a different learning and practicing style.  We also didn't want to study in such a way that would make on or the other feel rushed.

When she finds a good book she lets me borrow it and I do the same, we take shopping trips together (mostly through antique stores) and keep an eye out for things we think each other might like when we are shopping alone.  For my birthday last year Luna got me a miniature wind-chime that I use as a bell since it's hung above my altar, and this year we were in an antique shop when she found a bell, and I bought it for her as a gift.

It's nice to have someone to give and take with in this way.   It's been hard lately because she got a new job and our hours have been off.  She works an early shift, and I am on a late shift.  She's probably reading this...so she can add to or correct as she pleases.

Hubby's Totally Righteous Rant

When I told my husband I was starting this blog he wanted to know why I needed to change everyone's names.  I told him, "to protect myself and others".  I told him things I have heard from people at work and some of the initial responses I have gotten from friends before I explained to them the 'rules' of my faith.   This is an approximate retelling of the rant that followed.


Hubby:  When someone used to ask what I believed, I would say "I'm a Christian".  Then after I met more people of my faith and other faiths I would answer with "I follow the bible".  The more I find out about fanatical christian movements, and the more I hear christians throw hate around, and the more I see people using their faith to push people around, at this point I am almost ashamed to say I'm a christian.  NOT because I am ashamed of my faith or my god; but because I am sick of being lumped in with crazy, uneducated sounding, hate mongers.

My response was:  We are a great couple, neither of us want the neighbors to know what we believe.

That sounds depressing, but honestly, that cheered me up because it reminded me that every group, every faith, has stereotypes to overcome.

A Brief...Not So Brief...Ridiculously Long Overview

My husband is christian, he is also very accepting of me and my religion.  He looks at is this way: what he believes is right for him, and as long as what I believe isn't dangerous he thinks it is fine for me.  He is satisfied that I believe in something that gives me hope and makes me want to be a better person.  When I first started reading about wicca, his immediate response was somewhat along the lines of "aren't you a bit old and mature for teenage rebellion".  The words wicca and paganism brought up for him, memories of the kids in his high school who said they were wiccan to "make their goth darker".  I explained the bare basics of wicca as described in the books I have read, and he realized his first thoughts on it were just stereotypes.  Another thing I have done with him, to help him understand what I am thinking, is I keep a small journal for him, I update it from time to time on where I am mentally and emotionally in my studies on my faith.  I told him where it is and that he is free to read it any time he likes,  I don't know if he has read it or not, but if nothing else I think the honesty and openness I am willing to share has helped him.  Currently, he seems pretty much 100% supportive of me. 

I was raised in holiness doctrine.  My father is a preacher, my mother is a teacher.  At this moment, they do not know I am studying the wiccan faith, I have struggled with if/when I should tell them.  I know what the words paganism, wicca, witchcraft, etc bring to mind for many people, especially those of the christian faith.  I also know my parents see it as their personal responsibility to make sure my soul goes to heaven.  I know when, if ever, I do tell them they will find a way to blame themselves for it.  I am stuck between, I do not want to lie to them (they haven't asked me anything about my beliefs), and I do not want to hurt them.  After stressing over this for months, and asking many people's opinions  I have decided to wait on making that decision: in the next 1 to 2 years my husband and I will be moving out of state, I am waiting until we are settled in a more permanent life situation to decide which is kinder  to do.  Until then, unless I get some huge epiphany, I will just be myself with them and do my best to be a good daughter to them.

I have many friends all over the country and many of them know about my beliefs, a few of them share it, a vast majority of them accept it, and the rest of them tolerate it. The difference between accept and tolerate goes something like this: those who accept it, don't share my faith but they see it as a positive influence in my life, or respect my choice.  Those who tolerate it, disagree with me, are worried for me, but love me enough to know they cannot change me by force.

I'm not going to say much about my job; I work hard and I am well liked, but I am fairly sure that if my co-workers knew that would change. In fact, from things I have heard said, I am pretty sure I would end up fired for "unrelated" reasons.  It gives me lots of practice at speaking little and listening much.

Kentucky. My old Kentucky home, the land that I love so much.  As far as I can gather, is not a safe place for me to be an open wiccan.  I have a real fear of what could happen if the wrong person knows and decides to modernize the dark ages.  That's one reason for this blog, for others who live in areas that don't feel safe for us.  One moment I feel like, it's 2011, wicca is a government recognized religion, surely I can be out and be just fine; and then I listen to the conversations around me and realize, maybe times never really change that much.