My Yule Celebration

I'm still not very versed in holiday ritual; so for this Yule I simply made a turkey dinner and had my neighbors over.  Spent some time with good company and after that was done spent some time planning for the coming year and meditating.  

I was unable to find a Yule Log in time; so this was my stand-in this year.  A pine candle surrounded by live seasonal plants. Next year I will know to start much earlier in my search for a log; but I am still happy with the way this turned out anyway.  Also I have no fireplace to burn it in so that was another hindrance.

Recently I have been adrift in a sea of random information and haven't properly focused myself; so I will be attempting to create a schedule for myself to help focus myself and my learning. 

Adventures in Confusion

I am working on getting back into reading and meditation; I feel I have let some of the basics slip in the upheaval of the past few months.  So I am working on adjusting my personal/mental label and considering myself to be a person who lives in a pagan state of mind as opposed to trying at the moment to define every aspect of my beliefs all on one word.  I’m not trying to sound pretentious, and I really hope that I don’t.  I’m just loosening my grip a tiny bit; which I think is a good thing.  I feel this will free me up to relax and let myself feel how much I believe or don’t believe.   I love my esbbat rituals, fall a little more hit and miss on the sabbats, and generally find myself slacking when it comes to meditations.   This year I plan to set the goal of following each possible sabbat starting with Yule and we will see how it goes.  

Since I have been a tad over-stressed I want to balance between taking a slower and more relaxed approach (as opposed to the excited mad dash I was in) and keeping myself on a steady track practice-wise.  

To be honest, I was so excited about everything that I allowed myself to stress out about things like “who needs to know”, “how out do I need to be”, “am I doing this right or wrong” and in general that I need to have all my personal answers now.  I became defensive from time to time (though I think I did a fairly good job of keeping it in check) and overly worried about what the world would think of me, feeling I needed to hide anything about myself that might tip people off. 

People will have problems with me; that is inevitable, and the sad thing is it’s mostly going to be problems of semantics.  “I meditate…you pray…it’s magik…it’s a miracle…the divine…God…” and so it goes on.  I could be content to boil it all down to yes I do believe there is a power/energy/divinity (what have you) in this world that is bigger than myself and I feel a connection to it in my own way.   I think that’s a pretty good starting place and how I choose to envision/communicate/honor that divinity is personal to me.   This isn’t groundbreaking stuff really…but I think it might have been something I let myself overlook for a little while and that began to drive me crazy.   That’s my fault;  I’m new at this and figure I’m a little entitled to step in a few puddles while I make my way down the path. LOL 

Basically, this shouldn’t be something that stresses me out; it’s what makes me happy, so if it is stressing me out then I am looking at it wrong.  It’s not easy to admit that I got confused and lost sight of a lot of things for a while but I put this blog up to reach out and get answers and share my experience – and that was part of it. 

Updating

So I disappeared all September, October... and here we are.  I could rattle off excuses like there were deaths in the family and I went through one of the roughest bouts of depression I've dealt with in a long while.  (Well looks like I just did rattle them off).  But in the spirit of honesty I have to also be willing to say that a lot of this is laziness on my part and distraction.  I've kind of slacked all around.  I'm not promising to pick back up on regular updates but I will try not to miss whole months again.  


I don't know if I am slipping out of the "must talk about it" phase or if I am just kind of in a limbo of where I stand at the moment. Anyway.  That would be it.  I'm still alive and still working my way down the path.  I just feel like I have let myself fall into some setbacks. 

Long Month

I am currently not sure what to focus on at the moment; herbs or astrology.  Also I have been wasting a lot of time and being lazy about posting. 

Gemini With Mercury Strong: AKA Why I Don't Blog On Time

I didn't forget Lamas, I haven't been terribly busy, in fact I have no real good reason why I haven't updated in almost a month beyond the fact of...that's me. 

So I am going to talk about astrology.  You can look at it one of two ways. Way one I call "Local Newspaper View" and the other I call "Happens To Be Me View".  Let's start by saying even when I was in my 'must be a good christian' era, I loved reading horoscopes and tried with the resources at hand to learn about astrology. The info I got on it was basic at best and then as my nature dictates, I drifted away from it for a while while distracted by other things.  So when I began studying wicca, I found what I consider to be a pretty good book on the subject.

Ruling Planets: Your Astrological Guide to Life's Ups and Downs by Christopher Renstrom

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I really enjoy this book.  I can't say for sure that it is the best one out there (since I have only read one or two others) but I really like it. The descriptions are very detailed and I have gotten a lot of good use out of it.

I remember flipping through it, and becoming very nervous when as I skimmed through the list that it was looking possible that I might not be a Gemini, but as it turned out I am.  (This comes up because I recently looked up a friend of mine at her request, and it turns out she is not a Pisces as she always believed but actually a Capricorn.  Which she still completely rejects.)  Which is all well and good.  I say I have always loved horoscopes and the zodiac, but that doesn't mean I believe every posting I see in the paper.  It all ends up watered down and vague so that anyone could say "yeah that sounds like me right now".  Which was the case today at work when I read for Gemini "Your mind is preoccupied with sex today" to which I immediately thought 'yeah well now it is...'.  

But I digress.  The thing is no one has to believe in astrology, or their horoscope, but I feel that at least based on the book I have been reading that people who study it would probably know me better than some of my close friends.  Because it is the very nature of Gemini to babble away without really giving that much information away.  It is also the very nature of Gemini, specifically with Mercury strong, to bounce from project to project without a clear plan to finish it.  

So long story short... I was distracted by video games, then painting, then video games again, and now I have jumped head first into astrology because that is how the mood strikes me...  Then just as I was about to drift off to sleep, one of those many thoughts that buzz around the back of my head went "remember that blog you were doing" and now I am here typing half awake...

Well... There you go... Goodnight/Morning

New Page & More Than One Way To Learn From Tarot

I have added the Minor Arcana quick reference, I hope you find it helpful.  
 
Aside from question/answer and future planning.  Over time tarot can teach you things about yourself (either your good qualities or traits that slow you down).  If you notice a card or cards that seem to pop up in your personal readings frequently can show you these qualities or vices. 

For instance the Eight of Swords makes a regular appearance for me.  I have long sense been aware that I tend to over think things, and agonize over decisions; but it wasn't until this card began showing up in ever personal reading that I became more aware of how this trait (even though sometimes useful) hinders me on a regular basis.  
 

More on the side of qualities, the Empress card is a regular for me as well. 

So pay attention over time and watch for cards that come up consistently, and especially if they tend to come up in the same places in spreads.  Just don't over think every little thing, and let yourself get to the point where you expect that card or it will begin to throw you off.  It's important to clear your mind of expectations when focusing for a reading.

New Page & Tarot Spread

A general meanings for the Major Arcana cards has been added.  I intend to put up another page for the Minor Arcana but it may take a while. Until then, here is a simple spread for tarot readings. 

It's fun to do at new year's parties, or for selecting the right time to put a plan into effect.

Greater Than? Or Equal To?

I have recently (past month or no updates) had a couple experiences at work.  Mostly with one co-worker in particular.  James is an older man who after a life of self-described wild ramblings and cuttings-up, has found his answers in the bible.  Which is fine and wonderful for him, it seems to have brought him a lot of peace and stability to his life.  In general he is a friendly, good-hearted guy, and we've always (and still do) get along.  

In the past month he seems to have taken a specific interest in who believes what.  Which led him to me.  It started with him asking out of the blue one day, "Are you a religious person? Because I can tell by the way you behave and the way you treat people that you probably are or at least were raised in it."  

I told him I was religious 'in a way' but I don't go to church anymore.  I told him a few things about the way I was raised, but made sure to add that I know plenty of people that weren't raised in church that are good and I didn't believe you had to read the bible in order to have morals.  

Ever since then, he has taken to suddenly not knowing what certain words in his bible are or what they mean; which leads him to ask me "what's this word here?" and pass me the bible.  Which, I'm not complaining, I don't mind and who knows maybe he doesn't know the word (there are a lot of complicated/rarely used words in the kj version).  But come on, I know what's really going on there.  And again, I don't really mind it, it's just something I have noticed.  

 So the real point of this is, it's obvious this man cares about me (and my soul) in a platonic "hey you're a good pal and I'd hate to see you burn in hell" kind of way.  As I said he is a nice guy with the best of intentions; but I have heard him speak at length about "people who take and do the wrong thing"  and there is quite a list of these people...

I am one of those people (on more counts that just wicca) and I can't help but wonder how quickly this friendly little game of getting me to read the bible would change if I just up and said, "so when I said I was sort of religious, I am actually very religious, I'm just not in the same religion as you."  It's not something I am likely to find out anytime soon.  It's just something I can't help but think about.  

Also, one of the girls at work lost her bible, and it occurred to me "well duh, how many of those do I have at home" which lead me to remember, "oh yeah, one, I left all the others at my parents house..."  So I brought her my bible so she wouldn't have to shell out who-knows how much the bookstores charge for one these days.  So I am pretty sure this random act of kindness/recycling has single-handedly assured everyone at work that James has me well on the path back to church...

 So no, it wasn't my intention to fool him into leaving me alone (in fact I think this will probably lead to even more "bible time") I just wanted to do something nice for someone at work who's had a lot happen to her in the past few months.

A Thanks To An Internet Traveler

I wanted to give a thank you to someone who gave me a nice little tip after they stumbled onto my blog by accident.  And also to share the tip with others.  

 

Yes, I live in the age of technology, currently running a blog... and did not consider the potential usefulness of a Kindle...I don't own one right now, but it seems like a very good idea and I might have to look into getting one after all.  (Yes you heard me Luna, after all the talk of "books should be books, and smell like books and feel like books..." I get it, super useful, you're right. LOL)

Well that's all for now.  Thanks again Kat. 

It's July: Mama K Visit

So I have been procrastinating and not posted anything in a long while.  So I need to get back to it. 

My mother-in-law came down for a visit, which is always good, except I really hadn't heard from her since I told her about being wiccan.  After no replies to texts or e-mails I was worried maybe she didn't want to speak to me.  So I ended up feeling stupid when she arrived and I found out their internet had been down and her cell had some wacky card corruption.  

In my mommy-by-marriage's own words, "Why wouldn't I want to talk to you? I don't care what you believe in I love you and want to talk to you... Actually if you killed someone I would still want to talk to you..."  

So a great load off my mind.  I did three tarot readings for her before she left, and she told me I could do readings on my sister in law (15) while she stays over with us.  

Anyway, that's about it for now, I am going to do my best to get off my bottom and make more posts and update more often.  

The Little Post About Little Things

I find myself getting easily frustrated over the little things.  Tiny stuff like the fact that I can't take my books to work with me and read them on my breaks; and yet 3 people at my job pull out there bibles every break to compare notes or point out something they found interesting in their reading (like do dragon's exist? they are mentioned in the bible).  I don't begrudge them that, I even enjoy listening to them debate...sometimes...  It's just the simple fact that I in turn cannot sit quietly in a corner and read a book about wicca.  Technically I can; but logically I can't because I need my job.  Small issues like feeling like I have to watch everything I say so carefully or I might just sound like the person I am becoming. 

But today I woke up early enough to see the sun rise, and then I decided to take a walk.  On this walk I came across two fawns.  When things like this happen, when I see something no one else sees, experience something in a way I know is uniquely mine; I don't feel so frustrated by the little things, because I have my own small wonders to enjoy.   It's not even about forgetting the little things and looking at the big picture, it's about recognizing my own tiny privileges. 

This is the situation I am in, and it's not one I will be in forever.  So, as usual, I have to remind myself to be patient. 

Lovely Litha Everyone

(Yes, on my walk I passed a cemetery and that is where I saw them, it wasn't exactly part of the plan.)

Dedication

My self-dedication was set for the night of my birthday.  Then a family member set their wedding for the day before my birthday; no big deal, except they live out of state, so it brought up a situation.  My husband wanted to go very badly, it's his family and he wanted to see them; I felt I was in a situation where neither of us could win without the other one being a jerk.  If we went to the wedding, that would be my husband saying "It's my family and what I want to do, that's more important that your deeply personal ritual that you have been planning for almost a year."  If we stayed it would be like me saying, "No, what I planned is more important than your cousins wedding and what you want."  So it was a very difficult decision to make because neither of us wanted to be the bad guy.

So, the deal we struck was, both, I will be back home befor dark on my birthday.  Yeah, obvious answer was, if neither of us can be happy with one choice then we just have to find a way to do both. 

Which leads me to one of the reasons there are so many posts today and no posts for the past few weeks.  There was just so much going on getting ready for both things.  

So after a record time run out of state and back in a day and a half; today is my birthday and I am dedicated officially onto the wiccan path.  I want to give a special thanks to all my friends who have supported me, and an extra special thanks to my hubby who was nice enough to clear out of our house and invade Nina's kitchen to make me brithday brownies while I did my dedication.  

Telling Mama-K

Since my husbands siblings come down for 2 weeks out of the summer, and because my altar and book collection is growing.  I felt I needed to have a discussion with his mother (who I love very much) about wicca before they come down.   I am not afraid of her knowing, she is pretty open minded, all around great lady; I feel like she should have a choice in how much her kids are exposed to.  I don't mind putting all my supplies inside my alter while they are here, I already keep my books in a closed bookshelf, and I do my rituals and meditation alone.  It's just that since they are teens, I didn't want them running back home talking about it and her to suddenly think that I am trying to teach them how to be wiccan. 

It was important to me to do this in person and not over the phone. So yesterday while we were up visiting, I got a chance to take her aside with my husband and talk about it.  Here is one piece of advice I will give anyone thinking of telling friends and family members that they are now pagan.  Be prepared to here this question for everyone, even the most open minded of people, "huh...why did you decide to do that?"  

That question takes me back every time I hear it, because the obvious answers is, "Because it's what I believe in..."  

For the most part it went very well; she doesn't want the kids to know at all yet, they are both teens, so that is not a problem.  My husband will just have to take them out somewhere while I do ritual if they happen to be here on a sabbat or esbat. 

The only thing she said that really rubbed me the wrong way was, "no no, that's fine, I it's ok if that's what you believe.  But you can't do magik, that just opens you up to bad stuff, so just don't do magik and we are fine."  See, I don't like being limited, or told how much of my religion I can believe in or participate in.   I just don't feel this is an issue I need to argue with her about since to be honest, I'm not very interested in doing any big magik.  Basically what I explained to her was, my personal rule is that I don't do anything magikal that I can't accomplish on my own.   I don't do anything that would require me to ask something else for help, or for a favor of some kind.  I can do divination, I can cleanse items, I can charge items, and there are small magik things I could do; I just won't be asking any deities for something huge. Not that doing magik is something I am even sure I am interested in for sure; sometimes I just feel the need to draw my boundaries before someone else draws them for me.

Anyway, long story not quite short, the talk with her went well.  I was nervous about it, but it turned out good.  And in time, when she has had more chances to ask questions, I think it will be a very good thing. 

Bette: Sports, Spells, And Superstition

Oddly enough, the first person who has asked me to do anything remotely spell-involving, is Bette. I am not at the point of actually practicing magik, I mostly do tarot and other divination. 

She was talking about how she had a shirt that she couldn't wear because when she wears it (or even takes it out of the closet) her sports team looses.  "It's total bad luck, and I am afraid to even give it away because it's bad luck."  So I jokingly said that I could cleanse it.  She got a lot more excited about it than I thought she would.  I also found out why it was bad luck to start with, from the moment she bought it she was already thinking 'this one won't be as good as my old one'. 

So the first cleansing I have ever done for anyone goes to Bette.  To cleanse the negative energies she has put into the shirt by deciding it was bad luck. 

Now the tricky part is, I can cleanse the shirt, bring it to neutral again (because I'm not putting any actual spell on it) but if she takes it back thinking "oh look, my bad luck shirt that isn't as good as my old one" then it won't matter at all.  So before I even put the energy into doing this I have to know that she believes it will be the best most fantastic shirt the world has ever known when she get's it back from me.  Which she has promised to try to do... 

So now I have brought the shirt back to neutral and feel sure that it has no residual negativity left on it.  All there is to do now is get it back to Bette, the rest is up to her.

Luna & Cara: A Very Good Store

About 3 weeks ago Luna came over to ask if I wanted to go with them to an herbal store we had heard about in a town about an hour away.  It went really good and I plan on going back soon.  I don't know what to really say about it, I intend to go back as soon as I get a chance, and while I am there I will need to ask if the owner minds me mentioning it in detail on my blog.  The owner is openly practicing, but still I would like to have their permission first. 

I will say that the experience of finding one good resource in your area is a real boost.  It was just a very good experience and I am so glad that I have a place to go (and it helps that it is out of town) to find things I need, and be in the company of someone who has practiced much more than I have. 

Nina Part 4: A Midnight Walk

Nina and I had a good talk last night.  I got to talk about my worries about what she thinks about me, and she got to ask me more questions.  I think we have a much better understanding on this now.  Mostly she was confused about magik, and what I could or had to do; which gave me a chance to explain a few things to her,  I am not currently practicing magik yet, but even if I was I know she doesn't want it and I would never do anything involving her.  So she knows I have that respect for her.

How to handle this has been a big question for me, normally for a question like this I would do some tarot spreads to get some insight on it.  I didn't feel right doing a tarot reading on this particular situation because I knew she didn't like tarot.  So even though it left me feeling in the dark, I felt I needed to respect that as a boundary.

Simply put, I feel much better about her opinion of me, and she now knows that she can ask me anything she wants to ask me, and that I am not going to be doing anything involving her in my practice.    

Nina Part 3: Conversations That Haven't Been

While partying 2 weeks back, I had a bit more to drink than normal for me as a result, I began trying to explain to Nina that she doesn't need to be afraid of me.  I started saying things like, "You know that even if we don't believe the same thing, you know I would never bring anything into your house you don't want. I'm just so worried that you are afraid of me."

Nina laughed, and her answer was, "I'm not afraid of you, I love you, I really want to talk to you about this... but can we talk when we are sober?"

The past few weeks have been busy, I am still looking forward to this conversation.  She keeps reminding me about it as well.  I am nervous about it but excited at the same time.  The way I see it, the conversation will go one of a few ways; I will find out that I have been worried over nothing, that I have been oversensitive about her reaction, or a chance to make more sense of it.  All in all I see this as a positive opportunity. 

It really means a lot to me that she wants to talk more about it; I don't need her to agree with me, I just need to know we have asked all the questions we needed to ask.  Growing up, there wasn't much opportunity for things like, I lived in a type of silence.  If it was something the other person wouldn't understand that was it, there was no negotiation, it was not talked about again.  There was no room for questions where I was raised, questions meant doubt, doubt was a lack of faith, lack of faith was unacceptable and a slap in the face of god.  So I am just glad that I get a chance to talk with Nina soon, even if it means we argue a little, because it shows that we care enough about each other to try to see it their way.

Flexibility

As I have said before, I'm starting my second year studying wicca, so I won't claim to be an expert.  I'm definitely not trying to be a guide or teacher, and most definitely not 'preaching the word of paganism'.  I have worried sometimes that maybe this is breaking the speak little listen much, but I think I'm in the clear. Once again I will say that what I put up here are just my experiences and what I learned from them; it's not a gospel of Tempest that anyone should feel the need to follow or take as "this is the way to be wiccan" I don't think there is one way to be wiccan, and I definitely wouldn't want the responsibility of being in charge of what that would be. 

I am going to talk a little here about tool selection, and how that worked out for me.  One thing it took me a while to realize was; relax, be calm, don't stress out over if every tool you get is perfect as long as it feels right and works right.  Example, the broom, I tried very hard with the broom and maybe it's the culture I was raised in or whatever, but I struggled with it because I just couldn't seem to get comfortable with it.  I still want one and am even considering making one (and maybe if I do that then it will feel more natural to me once I put some creative energy into making it) but what I use instead of a broom right now are two fans.  Maybe a lot of wiccans would think that's crazy or inappropriate, so far it's been what feels natural to me.  

Another example would be bowls, I wanted matching bowls, specifically I wanted a bowl and chalice that matched.  That's way easier said than done (would have been easier done if I had access to clay and a kiln but I don't)  but I kept looking and looking until one day I found a bowl and bought it figuring I would just keep working to find a chalice to match.  Then I found a chalice that I really wanted to use and it hit me...does it matter if they match? No. All that looking and waiting, and in the end I didn't care.  I had to let go of the 'everything must match and be perfect and just so-so' because that in itself is a problem I have.  A problem of stalling and stalling and not getting started because I want everything perfect, when I know from experience that imperfect can be a situation to learn something very important.

A good chunk of the tools I'm using I did make myself because I like to do arts and crafty things and that's how I make it personal to me.  But the things I can't make (metal working and carpentry are not talents that I have)  I have to have a 'feeling' about.  I'm working on getting over the 'oooh so shiny' knee jerk reaction to things.  Many of the things I still needed have just come to me at random, from a friend, or even just finding things that I forgot that I had and realizing it's right for the purpose.  It's not to say it works like that all the time, and I don't count on it happening, but it's nice when it does.

Luna's New Blog

My neighbor Luna has started a blog as well, the link is http://the-luna-chronicles.blogspot.com so if you are enjoying this blog go give hers a look as well.  Since we have different takes on some things, and we have slightly different writing styles, there may be things there that you agree closer with, or just find described in a way that makes more sense to you.
Just wanted to welcome her to the blogspot community. Welcome Luna & http://the-luna-chronicles.blogspot.com

Mia: Temptation At Work

There has only been one time so far that I have been tempted to talk about my beliefs at work, and I still wonder if I made the right choice at the time.  For the most part I think I did.  Mia has been a very good friend to me at work.  She is easy to talk to, she is one of those women that put people at ease, you rarely feel judged around her.  One day while working with her we were alone and I was under a lot of stress from old emotional wounds.  I was telling her about where I grew up and the culture shock when I first left.  Like always I was watching what I said about religion (I find that in any professional or somewhat formal setting, religion and politics should just be avoided) and out of nowhere Mia asked, "Do you know anything about wicca or witchcraft?"  luckily we were both busy working so I don't think she noticed the pause while I collected my thoughts.  I told her that I knew what it was, that I had read a book about it because I knew some people who lived out of state that were.  That was all I said on the subject, I think it's the only question she has ever asked me that I didn't flat out give the full truth on.  She said "Yeah, I have some friends who are too. I just didn't know if you had ever heard of it because of how you were raised."  and quickly added, "I don't think there's anything wrong with it, they aren't dangerous or anything."  

The rest of the day, and sometimes even now, I wonder what that little conversation was about and what it meant.  Of course at first all I could think was, I must have said something, or maybe she saw something (like since I don't wear a pentagram/pentacle, but I carry a coin with one in a small coin-purse).   So at first it made me worried.  As time went by I have wondered if it's possible that she was reaching out to me; that maybe she is wiccan and was testing the waters to see if I was.  I wonder if I missed a chance for someone here that has more experience and knowledge about it.  But there is no way to be 100% sure.  Odds are, she had just recently talked to those friends she was talking about and it was fresh in her mind.  At any rate, I still wonder should I have just flat out told her?  Honestly, I don't think she would tell anyone else, especially if I asked her not to.  But at this point in my life, there is this line between my life and my work life, work is so hard to find and I can't afford to loose this job, and rumors fly around so fast you never know who knows what.  I just don't feel comfortable blurring that line just yet.  

 

I still enjoy talking to her, I still seek her out for advise on other things in my life.  It's just one of those things, a lot can be said in so few words, a lot can be said in actions.  At that moment I didn't know the best thing to do so I went for the safest, and in the end I think when it doubt that is the best choice. 

Friends & Tarot

I've done readings on many of my friends.  Adrian has been my tarot test subject, especially when I first started out, he has a friend (who I haven't met) that is very good with tarot and knows it is important to practice, practice, practice.  He was also able to pass on advice from his friend to help me as I got started.   Other than Adrain, I have done a few readings for my husband (though I was worried about doing readings on him because it can be difficult to get a reading on anyone your life is so tied up with) and last New Years I offered anyone who wanted a "year-ahead" reading if they wanted it.  Bette was the first to volunteer and a few others at her party got one as well.  It was really good to get some experience reading on people I don't see all the time or know as well.  I also have tried some 'distance' readings, on some of my friends who live farther away (but I always ask them before I attempt a reading on them, I feel that's only fair, I don't want to do anything they would not be comfortable with).  

Once I got comfortable with tarot, I'm ashamed to say I slacked off on it a little.  So now I am trying to do readings at least 2 to 3 times per week to continue to sharpen my grasp on it. 

About Being Lonely

I've been thinking, and I realize I don't really have good reason to go on about it being lonely.  I am in an area that's not open to alternate religions; but on the other hand I do have my husband's support, Luna and Cara next door, Adrian down the street (for now, until he moves), as well as Willow out of state just a phone call away.   My life is busy and sometimes our schedules don't sync up just right, but I wouldn't do anything if I was going to stay hung up on the excuses not to.  So this is my personal 'shake myself awake' post saying, if I'm feeling lonely or disconnected from other people then I should move my feet or pick up a phone and do something about it.   

This blog itself tells me this, I post about how this friend has inspired me or how much talking with that one helped.  And it occurred to me, someone reading this might be in a much more isolated situation than I am.  

I think what sent me on the spiral was that I had planned to go visit Willow on vacation in May, then my work schedule and finances didn't match up.  In the end, I really hope, this blog has been a good thing that never would have occurred if I hadn't been feeling down.  So, just life in motion I guess. 

 Wishing everyone a happy Beltane.

Nina Part 2: Magic is not Magik

My husband plays

 

(I play a little too but it's really not my favorite of games.)   Nina's husband Saul was looking for a game to get into and a new store has opened in our town that sells Magic cards.  So my husband was teaching him how to play. 

Saul went home a few nights ago and told Nina that my husband was showing him Magic and she freaked out a little.  My husband explained what it is to her, pretty much like playing a video game with cards.   

A few days later we were hanging out at Nina and Saul's and they decided to play.  Nina began to have a lot of questions again, but she kept directing the questions at me (I wasn't playing).  So again I kept saying "no it's a card game, it's just a game, no it has nothing to do with real magik".  She would smile and say ok. And then a few minutes latter would have a new question.

"You know how Ouija boards are just games, is it something like that?" or "so for real it's not anything but a game?" and so on. Or "Is it like those cards you use to tell the future?"

It really kind of hurt me, I stayed as patient as I could, but I was really close to asking them for a hand full of cards so she could see how ridiculous it was to think these creatures were being summoned from another plane of existence.  She didn't want to get close to the table they were playing at so I wasn't sure if she would even let me show her what the cards were.  

A few days latter and we are still clearing it up and explaining it to her.  It really strikes me that, if Saul was learning the game from anyone else who wasn't associated with me, or if my hubby had started showing him the game a year or two ago she wouldn't have a question in the world about it.  She keeps making a point to say "I think it's so great that we can love and trust each other even though we don't have the same faith" but that's not the way she is making me feel.  I am trying to keep a sense of humor about it; hence this post.

To be clear. Nina's opinion wouldn't matter to me if I didn't think she was sweet, wonderful, kind, and smart woman. So that's not what this post is about; it's not about 'oh look how silly this person is, she must be really dumb' that's not what I'm saying. She is just having a harder time than most letting go of fears that, let's face it, are pretty much supported by society in general (at least here in the bible belt).  I laugh and poke fun at it because that helps me deal with the situation beyond 'wow it really hurts me that she would think these things'.  

Back to business, with the whole Magic misunderstanding on it's way to being cleared up and put aside. I must find a way to introduce Nina & Saul to the mystical, diabolical game...of Uno.

Adrian: I Can't Think Of A Catchy Title For This One

Not long after I started reading about wicca, I started spending more time talking to Adrian, before we had hung out a lot but not really talked as much.  I had just started trying meditation (something I am still not great at) and I remembered him saying something about his meditation.  So I asked him if he had any tips.  That's when I found out that he had studied wicca before but wasn't anymore, he still remembered some things from it.  He has become one of my friends that I can openly talk about what I'm struggling with or where I am at religion-wise.   

Adrian is the one that gave me a lot of help (and by that, I mean listened to me stress out incessantly) with the issue of how much if any, to tell my parents.  When I first asked him what he thought, he said, "family is everything, do what you think is best for them".  And while that didn't answer my question right away, it did get me thinking on the pro's and con's of this decision.  I'm not worried about them disowning me, I know they love me, I'm just not sure they like me.  I had to decided if the pro's to telling them were going to benefit them or just me.  Likewise I had to think about if the con's were just something I was hiding behind to avoid conflict. 

He listened to me agonize over this decision for a good 4 months.  (That's not to downplay other people's help and support, but you have to give credit where credit is due.)  In the end, my decision came from a compilation of his advice to do what would be best for them; and others advice that it was up to me, it was my business what I believe, and it all depends on how much them knowing/not knowing meant to me.  He was also the one that reminded me that, if I decided not to tell them just yet it didn't mean I could never tell them if the time felt right.

Aside from that specific situational, he has also shared with me what he remembers from when he studied, some of his experiences from that time, and keeps an eye out for resources I might find useful. 

Nina: Alternate Reality Check

When I first started telling my friends, I was very nervous.  But in time I got used to people accepting it without really changing their opinions of me.  I told Nina, asked her if she would still be my friend, and told her any questions she had I would answer.  Her first answer she was fine, she would love me no matter what I was.  About 2 weeks later she came back with the following questions: 

1. Does this mean you don't believe in god?
2. Do you like me less because I am christian and you are not?  
3. Do you curse people? I mean if I get you mad will you make something bad happen to me?
4. Do you do sacrifices and stuff with blood?  
5. Will you be doing drugs and having orgies and stuff?  


These questions came about because she had talked to some people at her church and asked them if they knew anything about wicca.  The answer she got was, "I don't know anything about wicca, I haven't heard about it before or anything, but if it's not christianity you should be worried."  And so she worried.

Before I put out my answers to the questions asked, I want to explain my friendship with Nina.  I had known her for 7 years at this point, and it was one of those friendships where we talk about anything right off the top of our heads.  We are very much like sisters, she lives downstairs from me and we see each other all the time, she gets upset if we don't see each other for more than 2 days on end.  So I only expected one or two of these questions, the rest were a complete shock to me, luckily it didn't sink in that I could be offended until a few hours after I had answered her.

Now for the answers:

1. It's not that I don't believe, I believe in a different way, I experience it differently and view it differently.  
2. No. I am happy you have faith in something that makes you happy, that's all that matters to me, you have something that gives you hope and keeps you out of trouble.  Just because I believe something is right for me doesn't mean I think it's what everyone needs to be right.  
3. No, I don't actually practice magik right now and if I did, I would not be cursing anyone.  One, you know me, I am not hateful like that, and two, like most things in life it comes back to haunt you or bite you in the ass.  
4. No, no no no, and no.  I do not kill things, I do not mess with blood.  There are offerings of bread and drink, but nothing like offering a life.  
5. No, I won't be doing anything like that, I have no desire to take drugs and throw myself around.  I don't think that is how I will find peace or enlightenment.   

After I answered her she calmed down a lot.   

A little later  it sunk in that if Nina, knowing me for so long and so well, could be blindsided by these thoughts and concerns.  What might a complete stranger automatically assume of me?  I talked to Nina and her husband and told them, "If you are worried about me and want to pray for me that's fine, I'm not offended.  If you want your church and other groups to pray for me that is fine too, but please don't give them my name or where I live.  It's a safety issue."  They agreed to that, their church is praying for Nina's friend and that doesn't bother me, prayer can be a very good thing. 
But this got Nina worried because she couldn't remember if she had said my name already, I told her not to worry over it, so she recited about everything she had said to anyone about it (because now she had it stuck in her head that she was going to get me killed no matter how much I told her it wasn't a problem and they probably didn't remember my name from one light mention) and one thing stuck out to me, she said, "I think I've been a very good christian, because I am being loving and not judgmental of my friend who is in a religion that is obviously wrong, but I am just being loving to her and hoping that can show her my good example".   Now on the face of it, it sounds very condescending.  But, bear in mind, this is the best I can expect from most people of other religions; I was raised in christianity and I know they are taught that their way is the one and only way, that if they love someone they will do everything in their power to ensure that they come back to their way.  That is their religion, that is what we have to understand, there was no room made in their religion to accept other faiths.  True, I talked about my husband and he looks at it differently, but in general this is what you have.  I have to accept and realize the huge step it takes for a christian (or people of othe like faiths) to be willing to tolerate and love me, because they won't like my faith, but the huge step for them to see it as my choice and hold themselves back no matter how much they want to 'save' me, is something I am learning to respect.  

Now, for my own confession, after they left the 'more holy than thou' had sunk in on me so I repeated it to my husband, and followed with, "I would like to just say, I think I am being a very good wiccan for being so calm and nice and not pointing out that she was being condescending".  So yeah that doesn't put me in the best light either, this was before my lesson from this experience kicked in, also, I deflect a lot with sarcasm and humor, so that was actually said in a very pompous accent and followed by laughter.  

DJ: The One I Lost

I'll preference this with, she was just and acquaintance, I didn't see her often but we did always get along and have fun together.   Last winter while checking my FB, I found DJ screaming her online lungs out about christmas being only for christians and if people weren't going to believe in jesus then they had no right to celebrate christmas.   Lots of people had jumped in to agree or disagree with her, which had escalated it to the point I came in on, "if you don't believe that jesus is the on true savior then fuck off, christmas isn't for you, so if you don't love HIM then go to hell and stop stealing our holiday", and I got the bright idea that I would reason with her.  I didn't say I was wiccan, or that I would be celebrating yule, I just said that there were a lot of holidays for other religions around this time of year, but just that in society most people call it christmas.  Of course this made her mad and I tried to lighten it up with, "well can I celebrate happy winter day, time, thing..." which made her madder.  In the end I promised I wouldn't use the sacred word of christmas, ever again but hoped she had a very lovely and joyous 25th.  She un-friended me and doesn't speak to me or my husband (online or out in the real world) anymore. 
What I took from this was;
1. don't argue online, it's always a shouting match,
2. don't try to reason with someone who is on a fire and brimstone rant, they aren't in the state of mind to look at the other side,
3. yes my beliefs could lose me some friends, and
4. pick your battles, there was no real reason for me to have gotten involved in the first place. 



On the bright side, another friend of mine posted a video on the same day.

Clothing Idea

I enjoy sewing, so I am making my own ritual clothing, which can be time consuming.  It occurred to me that if I didn't already wear scrubs for work, scrubs would make very good ritual garb.   They are easy to find in natural fibers, come in all kinds of styles and colors, stain resistant, and comfortable.  Well, like I said I can sew and I wear scrubs at work, so this option doesn't work for me.  But I thought maybe it would be good to put it up as a suggestion. 

I know a lot of wiccans don't like store bought clothes, or clothing that is mass manufactured.  I believe that street clothes can be worn (especially if that's all you are able to afford, or aren't able to make your own).  Plus it's easy enough to add things to any clothing you buy, sewing in symbols or adding on charms.  Anything I use, I try to add a personal touch of some kind. 

I know for a lot of wiccans this in useless information, since many work skyclad.  But if you are doing anything outside you may find yourself needing some cover.  And if you are like me, I already have two subconscious things that are going to take place if I am naked, I concentrate better in a specific outfit or type of clothing that lets me know on a subconscious level that I am in ritual.  That's just the way I practice, I'm not ashamed of myself (a little self conscious  maybe but since I work solitary that doesn't really factor into it) and if working in the nude is what works for you then more power to it. 

The First Book

The first book on wicca I read, I read with the intent of getting the absolute basics so I would know what my friends believed.  I didn't want to end up saying or doing something that would offend them, or make a nuisance of myself by asking them questions they had probably answered hundreds of times from other people.  So it wasn't in my mind to find a book that had every theoretical nuance of wicca.  So the book I got was:

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wicca and Witchcraft by Denise Zimmermann


Say what you will about it; franchised, water down, fluffy, etc...  It was at least helpful on the basics, and as the title suggests, it was easy to understand.  It has some basic logical information; safety tips, common themes, and some very good advice "read more books on wicca".  Reviews I have seen on it seem to hit about 50-50 with wiccans hating/liking it.  I'll put it this way, if that was the book a friend of mine picked up just to understand what I believe, I would be ok with that because it is simple and complimentary.  It's in no way the end all be all book, I don't think any book is.  Maybe I just like this book because it was the first little stepping stone for me.  

There was only one downside to reading this book, all those questions I didn't want to bug Willow with.  Now I wanted to learn more, and to learn more, I had to start bugging him with questions.  Luckily, he doesn't seem mind. And I'm very grateful.

My Brother & The Book

My brother got me the The Wicca Cook Book last christmas.  Even though Luna had given me wicca stuff, and my husband had bought me my first set of tarot cards; this gift affected me in a different way.  Mostly because, my brother, doesn't seem to have an opinion one way or the other about what I believe.  He studied lots of religions, trying many of them out, until he decided that organized religion doesn't work for him.  This includes wicca, though he never practiced it, I'm not even sure if it's one that he even read about.  I had pretty much assumed that he probably thought I was silly, and waiting for me to say "well you're right, atheism it is then".  Until he gave me this gift.  It came out of the blue, and even though he and I don't talk about religion, it really made me realize that he sees what I am doing as serious to me. 

He confessed later that he saw it in a bookstore and thought maybe it was a beginners spell book of some kind, and before wrapping it realized it was an actual cookbook.  He said, "At first I was thought, I wanted to get her more than just a cookbook, but then I thought...ehe she eats food and stuff."  


The Wicca Cookbook: Recipes, Ritual, and Lore by Jamie Martinez Wood

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I enjoy this book, in addition to recipes it has information about the Sabbats.  What makes it more than just a cookbook is the additional information that goes with the recipes; instead of being set up like most cookbooks(appetizers, deserts, etc...)it is set up in order of the Sabbat the recipe is associated with. Most of the recipes seem simple to make.  It's an enjoyable cookbook.

A similar experience came at New Years when my friend Bette gave me a book she happened to see in a store. It's a coffee table book, a compilation of witch lore and history pieced together in an artistic manner.
Witches: A Book of Magic and Wisdom by Lori Eisenkraft-Palazzola

These experiences were important to me because they both came from people who accept me as a wiccan, don't really show an interest in it, and I imagined thought I was being naive in my studies and beliefs.   These experiences showed me never to underestimate the power in small gestures; to them it was a small act, they saw a book they thought I might like and got it for me.  Those small acts, gave me the feeling of being not only accepted, but taken seriously.  

Luna: Neighbor & Cohort

Luna is one of the people who has helped me a lot, it's really comforting to have someone so close by who is also in the process of learning.  I won't say we study together, we share information and talk a lot about what we are reading and trying.  We started reading about wicca for mostly the same reasons, and had a lot of the same reasons for why we hadn't considered learning more about it before.  The tricky part is that one of the things that drew us to wicca after the first book was while there are some guidelines, there is so much personalization to how you practice and experience wicca.  Because of this, we both try very hard not to influence each other too much.

An example of this is in the wiccan names.  I found my name fairly quickly, but Luna and I have decided not to share our names until we had both decided on them.  We both agreed that we didn't want to influence each others choice that way; we think it would be too much of a temptation to change around because we had some elements too alike or too different. 

Also, and I envy her for this, Luna is a much better researcher than I am, don't get me wrong I learn a lot from the books I read and I'm a quick reader; but I learn so much better when I am physically involved in something.  Luna can research something and have a better idea of how it would go for her, whereas I have to trial test the things I'm reading about to see how suited I am to it.  It's not that one way is better than the other, we just have a different learning and practicing style.  We also didn't want to study in such a way that would make on or the other feel rushed.

When she finds a good book she lets me borrow it and I do the same, we take shopping trips together (mostly through antique stores) and keep an eye out for things we think each other might like when we are shopping alone.  For my birthday last year Luna got me a miniature wind-chime that I use as a bell since it's hung above my altar, and this year we were in an antique shop when she found a bell, and I bought it for her as a gift.

It's nice to have someone to give and take with in this way.   It's been hard lately because she got a new job and our hours have been off.  She works an early shift, and I am on a late shift.  She's probably reading this...so she can add to or correct as she pleases.

Hubby's Totally Righteous Rant

When I told my husband I was starting this blog he wanted to know why I needed to change everyone's names.  I told him, "to protect myself and others".  I told him things I have heard from people at work and some of the initial responses I have gotten from friends before I explained to them the 'rules' of my faith.   This is an approximate retelling of the rant that followed.


Hubby:  When someone used to ask what I believed, I would say "I'm a Christian".  Then after I met more people of my faith and other faiths I would answer with "I follow the bible".  The more I find out about fanatical christian movements, and the more I hear christians throw hate around, and the more I see people using their faith to push people around, at this point I am almost ashamed to say I'm a christian.  NOT because I am ashamed of my faith or my god; but because I am sick of being lumped in with crazy, uneducated sounding, hate mongers.

My response was:  We are a great couple, neither of us want the neighbors to know what we believe.

That sounds depressing, but honestly, that cheered me up because it reminded me that every group, every faith, has stereotypes to overcome.

A Brief...Not So Brief...Ridiculously Long Overview

My husband is christian, he is also very accepting of me and my religion.  He looks at is this way: what he believes is right for him, and as long as what I believe isn't dangerous he thinks it is fine for me.  He is satisfied that I believe in something that gives me hope and makes me want to be a better person.  When I first started reading about wicca, his immediate response was somewhat along the lines of "aren't you a bit old and mature for teenage rebellion".  The words wicca and paganism brought up for him, memories of the kids in his high school who said they were wiccan to "make their goth darker".  I explained the bare basics of wicca as described in the books I have read, and he realized his first thoughts on it were just stereotypes.  Another thing I have done with him, to help him understand what I am thinking, is I keep a small journal for him, I update it from time to time on where I am mentally and emotionally in my studies on my faith.  I told him where it is and that he is free to read it any time he likes,  I don't know if he has read it or not, but if nothing else I think the honesty and openness I am willing to share has helped him.  Currently, he seems pretty much 100% supportive of me. 

I was raised in holiness doctrine.  My father is a preacher, my mother is a teacher.  At this moment, they do not know I am studying the wiccan faith, I have struggled with if/when I should tell them.  I know what the words paganism, wicca, witchcraft, etc bring to mind for many people, especially those of the christian faith.  I also know my parents see it as their personal responsibility to make sure my soul goes to heaven.  I know when, if ever, I do tell them they will find a way to blame themselves for it.  I am stuck between, I do not want to lie to them (they haven't asked me anything about my beliefs), and I do not want to hurt them.  After stressing over this for months, and asking many people's opinions  I have decided to wait on making that decision: in the next 1 to 2 years my husband and I will be moving out of state, I am waiting until we are settled in a more permanent life situation to decide which is kinder  to do.  Until then, unless I get some huge epiphany, I will just be myself with them and do my best to be a good daughter to them.

I have many friends all over the country and many of them know about my beliefs, a few of them share it, a vast majority of them accept it, and the rest of them tolerate it. The difference between accept and tolerate goes something like this: those who accept it, don't share my faith but they see it as a positive influence in my life, or respect my choice.  Those who tolerate it, disagree with me, are worried for me, but love me enough to know they cannot change me by force.

I'm not going to say much about my job; I work hard and I am well liked, but I am fairly sure that if my co-workers knew that would change. In fact, from things I have heard said, I am pretty sure I would end up fired for "unrelated" reasons.  It gives me lots of practice at speaking little and listening much.

Kentucky. My old Kentucky home, the land that I love so much.  As far as I can gather, is not a safe place for me to be an open wiccan.  I have a real fear of what could happen if the wrong person knows and decides to modernize the dark ages.  That's one reason for this blog, for others who live in areas that don't feel safe for us.  One moment I feel like, it's 2011, wicca is a government recognized religion, surely I can be out and be just fine; and then I listen to the conversations around me and realize, maybe times never really change that much.